I think I somewhat feel the words Sally said. Being a parent.
I remembered she once told me, if she were to to hang out with her friends and enjoyed herself, she would go home feeling guilty and bring her kids out for a good treat the next day as a compensation.
Undoubtedly I'm still a baby to my parents which I deem too. But I do feel like a parent to them nevertheless.
I feel guilty if I were to pamper myself with nice nice things,
I feel guilty when I'm enjoying where my folks are alone, somewhere, watching boring tv shows,
I feel guilty when I'm on a holiday, leaving them in Singapore,
Albeit I do contribute to the household and it sometimes makes me beserk seeing my disposable cash to repayment of loan and utilities, the thought of "not doing enough" revolves my mind.
I feel guilty when I raise my voice at them,
When they are always giving me unconditional love which could only be felt but not told.
It's like we are always saying we pay for this, pay for that, give allowances to them etc. etc.
But our folks, do they complain as much as we do? No.
The extreme ends of mine is ever contradicting. I ought to feel upset because my parents did not plan for me at all and I was left pretty much on my own since I dunno, 14 years old? A very tender age to plan on survival schemes.
So at times, I blame them for their incapabilities to plan for their offspring's future and now I ought to enjoy what I have sown for myself. At least I should not feel so indebted to clear the household issues and making myself so miserable and suffocated.
I ought to let down my hair once in awhile and enjoy.
But I daren't.
That, I think I felt Sally. She wanted to leave the best for her child. Me, I too want the best for my parents, at least finacially. Because I know they already gave me their best. Emotionally. I simply couldn't ask for more already.
Sadly, that didn't stop my extreme ends fight between each other. "You should! You shouldn't! You should! You shouldn't...."
Aiya, but that's life. Isn't it? Human are made to survive. Thus given the wisdom and crowned the top of animal chain.
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I'm well aware of my current condition. And I'm glad I'm aware of my moodswings. Highly volatile this time.
I feel like a mad woman these days. You know, like split personality.
For those of you whom cared and asked, thanks. Like I told Mr Pie, I no longer know if it's correct for me to coop myself up for the well being of others because it simple ain't beneficiary to me.
It was when he called my mobile and persisted on asking, only than I told him what exactly happened.
And accompanied me until 1am plus. Poor thing.
My reason was, the older I get, the more I'm hiding my sorrows (should there be any lah) from everyone which eventually, depletes my social skills and resume only after I've grieved enough.
God knows, when will the grieving period last. Till then, I'm behaving like an introvert that find all sorts of excuses to barricade myself in the room.
I'm still strong. Because I know fully, what's happening to myself and allow no deja vu to happen so.. have seeked for medication already.
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Ok, indications of my moodswing....
***Pictures to sabotage people (and myself too)***
I thought I've lost my primary school class photo because I couldn't find it in my photo album. But alas! My memory didn't left me, I managed to remember where I hid it...
Click to enlarge.
See them? I bet Kym's breaking out cold sweat.
K lah, shall save the best for last. Rest of those sinister photos shall be updated in another post. Hah.
